How to have yourself an Angry little Christmas

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Well friends, it's that time of year again, when my ice cold heart warms slightly and in an eggnog fueled stupor, I indulge in a little cute craft making.

What can I say.  I love Angry Birds.  I've never played it, but I love it.  I love that it is on my phone and I can give the children my phone and have twenty minutes of quiet mommy time. I love that it's a game about throwing pigs, express bacon, what could be better?  I like that it is "angry" not, plain old "pig toss" or "fussy birds"  there is unabashed emotion here, cartoon characters not afraid to live out their inner id.  They are angry and I can totally identify with that.  If I wasn't the "Criminal Crafter" I might be the "Angry Crafter"  because that suits me pretty well, except for right now, as I'm the "Deeply Amused and Pleased With Herself Crafter" as every time I look across the room and see my new wreath, I crack up, as the little beady eyes are glaring back at me.

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The whole project was a bit of a whim.  I was at the thrift store last week and found a giant bag of small feathered birds for $3.  Seeing anything with a bag over it's head makes me slightly uncomfortable, so I bought them just to let the poor fake beasties out of confinement.

I gave them the usual treatment- anything that makes it's way into my house and isn't a food object, eventually will get glue gunned to something else frequently being covered in glitter 1st.  I knew school glue and feathers probably wouldn't be a good match so I went with a light coat of spray adhesive and liberally applied the red glitter.

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My son acted as facial consultant, my prototype birds really weren't angry enough.  I tried calling them names and mocking them, which didn't really work, so I just drew thicker eyebrows on the next birds and that seemed to work out just fine.

I had a grape vine wreath in the basement which gussied up quick with a thick coat of spray paint and I made the pig eyes and ears out of card-stock.  I've a number of birds left over so we'll be handing them off to special friends as Christmas gifts, which is perfect since I ate all the rum balls.

Anchors Away

Delighted to see this news clip from last night and the charming Stephanie Stricklen modeling my see-behind-spy-glasses made especially for DB Cooper night at Mississippi Studios. If the whole TV thing doesn't work out for her, I think she should totally take up being a Master Criminal, it looks GOOD on her!

2 Legit 2 Quit

amazon craft

Holy smokes, it's like a for real thing! Criminal Crafts, the book is at the printer, getting boxed, bundled, and packed up for a shipment to stores this spring.  While I knew that it was happening, since books don't write themselves, much as we'd like them too, it didn't feel legitimate. Until this ... The thing that's got me super giddy is the ISBN number, it seems so official, even more fun than when I found my name in the phone book for the 1st time.  So even though the book isn't out yet, you could pre-order it, or wait a bit and let me sign a copy for you with a devious inscription.

So delighted with how the project turned out, the folks at Andrews McMeel did an amazing job putting it together. The design elements are super charming in the macabre way that I find so appealing; faux bullet ridden holes in the pages, tire tracks from get-away cars and the occasional incriminating fingerprint.

My friends Laura Sams and Rob Sams carved a huge and generous amount of time from their super busy schedules last fall to take pictures for the book.  Criminal

Crafts is a bit of a departure from their usual work of making outstanding wild life films for kids, but

heir apparent

Laura and Rob have a great sense of humor so working on this project wasn't really a stretch.  I'm super lucky to have such talented folks in my life, and grateful that my kids will actually have some folks who are a good influence on them as roll models.  I mention this last bit because, last week my 8-year-old came running into the room yelling "mommy, I have a great idea for a bank job".  As much as I'd like to discourage her aberrant behavior, it actually was a good plan, so if this whole book thing doesn't work out, we've got plan "B", though it does involve waiting until her brother is tall enough for his foot to reach the gas pedal.

Love Letter, Straight from My Heart

nemesis

With the coming of Valentine's Day, I'm inspired to acknowledge that singular stunning person in my life who motivates me to create.  Dante had his Beatrice, John had Yoko, Warhol had Edie and I've got my Amy.

My muse is not a gauzily veiled coquette,  a Helen of Troy with beauty inspiring an armada across the sea.  No, she is my nemesis, a hooded figure who trailing through my nightmares barks at my heels like a rabid pit bull in heat.  Holding a mirror to my shadow, I see her lurking in the dark crusty side of my soul, feeding on spite and malice.

In the past I may have tried to win the affection of a fair beau with my crafty prowessness, but let me tell you friends, these victories come easy.  Sew a guy a pair of mittens, make him a beer cozy and he's yours to keep, it's pretty darn simple to catch a man, you don't even need to knit the net, just put on a tight sweater, toss him a  sandwich and mischief managed!

And while I've given up on impressing my paramour, I still have my frenemy, the woman who keeps me sleeping with one eye open.  She is a craft stalker, plain and simple.  If I make something unique and lovely, I'll see her the next day whipping up some facsimile, a China Town knock-off of my designer original.  To call her a copycat though is a cheap shot, her cunning and quick draw with the pinking shears make her a worthy adversary.  She truly is an artistic genius as demonstrated in her Tornado Landscapes and seminal work in dental implant mock-ups .

Born of Russian aristocratic stock, her kin found her to be such an unpleasant child, they abandoned her in the woods during a spring outing.  Subsequently, Amy was raised by a community of Bush Squirrels.  Ever the traitor, she milled the family tree for firewood, during a winter cold snap.  "She's dead to me" said her cousin, Stumpy, when I asked him about those early days.

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My nemesis and I met a few years later, classmates in a "Hand Tools for Woodworking" course that left us both inspired and bloodied.  Bonding over a passion for expensive Japanese saws and a well stocked liquor cabinet we became inseparable until the ugly gorgon of competition reared it's distorted head.  Our feud has been slightly documented, scholars desiring of more back-story should begin with the poignant blog, Remember When We Were Friends where our early correspondences have been cataloged.  The letters are in chronological order so it is best to start with the oldest work first.

Learning that I had accepted the Iron Craft Challenge, Amy had to jump on band wagon too. Her rigorous schedule of prosthesis making, accordion lessons and personal grooming has left her unable to participate on a weekly basis. She was determined to make a Valentine for this week's challenge, and since she's got to worm her way into every facet of my artistic life, she made her own interpretation of a Randy and Evi Quaid love note, complete with an Australian Shepard.

And that, as Stumpy would say, is our relationship in a nut shell. My challenges are not personal ones, they are spurned by knowing there is a devious soul out there trying to best me at my own game.  We run faster when we know we are being chased.

Happy Valentine's Day Amy, you've won my heart, and one day I'll have yours (possibly in a small box that I keep on top of the fridge if all goes according to plan).

Whistling Past the Grave Yard

bunting

Well this Iron Crafting is sure keeping me nose to grindstone.  I've been super busy prepping projects for forthcoming Criminal Crafts book so I decided today to double down... I combined our challenge of bunting with stamps from my "It's Your Funeral Kit".   I needed to take pictures of that today too.

I'm pretty happy with the results even if you can't see all the letters on the flags, my photo is over exposed and I didn't get all the headstones in the shot... OK, maybe I'm only slightly pleased...

Very pleased with my new hearse linoleum stamp though.  Cinephiles  should

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immediately recognize this car as the '69 E-type Jaguar that Bud Cort drives in Harold and Maude.  It took me about $25 in linoleum to get this model right (head light and grill issues).  Unlike Harold's car, I won't be driving mine over a cliff...

All things considered it was a great day to be hanging out in the cemetery, and of course I began to wax nostalgic for absent and departed friends and it got me to thinking,  what the heck are Randy and Evi up to these days.  Think it's about time I checked back in with them...

Draft Dodger

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Oh baby there is an ill wind blowing, can you feel it, just seeping through the door jams and window sills.  And while it's chilly in here, I can only imagine how down right cold it's going to be feeling in my buddy Tom Delay's jail cell. Poor Tom went from being the big shot in the house to being a little man in the  big house for conspiracy and money laundering.  Since  making an insulating cushion was the project theme for this week's Iron Craft Challenge, I thought I'd whip up a little going away present for my favorite felonious former Speaker of the House.

For the outer shell I used the sleeves of a left over prison uniform sweater, something I just happened to have at the bottom of my laundry basket.  I stitched the two arms together at the pit joint and sewed one long end closed.  I filled the cushion with pinto beans raided from my stash in the nuclear fall-out shelter and sewed the other end up.  My project was cute enough but to keep pace with the quality work being done by the other Iron Crafters, I'd have to step it up a notch...  A  prison i.d. patch seemed just the right touch... so who's number did I use?  None other than M. Diddy's,  the patron saint of criminal crafters , the ultimate irony being that I used her super expensive silicon hand stamps to create the badge.  Classy right, and it seemed like the perfect thing to make Tom feel at home in his new digs.

As an added bonus the cushion weighs about 30 pounds so if he needs a kosh for self defense he is set and in some kind of lock down scenario he's got the makings of a pretty substantial meal, if some kind soul gives him access to a coffee maker... good luck Tom!

inmate redux

Iron Craft- I accept!

Smack Down

The gauntlet has been thrown down!  Some very well meaning crafters issued a challenge, 52 projects in one year, something groovy, once a week. Iron Craft! You know what, all the hounds in hell couldn't keep me away from a proposal like this. It's not like I've got to create some sort of jaw dropping amazingly tallented Skull-a-Day thingy-o.  Just something crafty, like a good alibi, but with art supplies, sounds do-able.  (Blogging about it once a week, that's a whole other kettle of stinky fish).

Of course, I'll have to put my own criminal spin on things, we can't hide from ourselves can we?

The challenge for this week was to make something with light.  Because I was a little late coming to the party- I discovered I had about two hours to throw something together, photograph it, upload and blog.So I went for votive candle, the standby craft that has never let me down.  It comes together almost instantly and makes the perfect hostess gift, plus I love the smell of burning Modge Podge and hot wax, just like a San Quintin summer morning!

I've posted a few other photos in the Flickr pool and you can see what the other talented folks are up to too.  Looks like, for once, I'm in good company.

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Spies Like Us

Photo by practicalowl, a Creative Commons Attribution-Non Commercial-Share Alike license

It has come to my attention, and delight to discover that Criminal Crafts has a small cadre of fans in the international espionage and law enforcement agencies.  Kudos for your excellent taste and even better sense of humor.  As a small token of thanks for your selfless commitment to your affiliated country of choice (or countries for you double agents) and because I'm always happy for another sale... I'll be offering a 10% discount to spies, cops,  raconteurs, deceivers and ne'er-do-wells and malcontents in my Etsy shop. Just enter the coupon code 007spy when you check-out.  How will I know if you are a legitimate spy?  That's the million dollar question isn't it?  Well, you could tell me an awesome story from your shady past in the customer comment section or play it close to the vest, keep me guessing, the game is a foot, right?  This offer is good right up through Valentine's Day!